Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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