I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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