Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
