i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
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