1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
it hurts more in the daytime
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
