Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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