why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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