A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Can Purell be used as lube?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
