If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize