I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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