You can't motorboat a personality
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I love having hate sex.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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