Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
