did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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