Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
