I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
