That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He has the fingertips of a God
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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