im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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