The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"