So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
