Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
