Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
there's paper in my vomit.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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