She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
