i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
