you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
