uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
