Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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