one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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