Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
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just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
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Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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