The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
