Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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