Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
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