I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
