rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
