I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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