dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
