so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
