so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
