my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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