the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
