i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
