Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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