1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
