Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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