The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
