I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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