I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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