Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
how does that bad decision feel?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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