I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
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He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
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My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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