i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you inspire me to be a worse person
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
