Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
