I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
