when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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