When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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