when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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