I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
